I imagine a lot about myself doing things that would make me feel worthwhile (ex- becoming a “minimalist”) as if I have achieved something. That imagination goes on for such a long time that the time to actually do that thing goes by and there goes the feeling of worthwhile. And when that happens, I get the urge to shop. Oh yes! It makes me feel soooo good but the most interesting thing in this process is- What to buy?

Wrong question actually. Because I get a lot of answers for it and it gets difficult to prioritize. And don’t misinterpret me as a shopaholic because I have valid reasons to shop. Let me show you an example-

I got to buy a new phone because it has a new functionality that is going to make my life easier. I purchase that and then realize that to use that functionality, I need to get an accessory that is going to help me use my phone at another level; becoming an extraordinary person at using a phone. Who doesn’t wants to be an extraordinary person? It doesn’t matter which topic though! Once I get the accessories, I need to get a place for the phone, so I purchase a phone stand that has other functionalities such as charging or hanging on the wall. Oh! I forgot. If I keep my phone on a stand on a wall, how am I going to do a call without disturbing others? I get a headphone for that and then a place and a case for the headphone. Wait! It is actually easier to put a headphone on a headphone stand so I purchase a stand for the headphone.

What next? Maybe get another stand to keep all of my stands in a place!

Happy Shopping!
Cheers!

Its been a while since I visited her. I think of her often, in fact daily but I keep the thought of her at bay and put some barrier in between us so that I couldn’t see her for the rest of the day and hope that the day goes smooth. Woah! That sounds terrible isn’t it. Its like seeing your parent and shutting the door close. I wouldn’t do that to my family, but I do that to her, a lot. Do I not consider her as my family? I never asked this question to myself and I’ll be ashamed to tell the truth that she has been a part of me for forever, even before I knew she existed.

How could she be a part of me and I still not consider her as my family? Maybe because the word “family” is evolving with me but not on the dictionary available online. Here is an attempt to define that word, family; it is a group of people that I love, care, respect, appreciate, grateful, supportive, thoughtful about and I receive the same sense of feelings from others. I guess that’s it. To be honest, as per dictionary- I still have a family of more than 200 people who gather around every now-and-then (of course not in this pandemic though). But as per my definition, it has reduced to a quarter of it. But that’s not it! I have lots of new members in my family and if I sum it up, it would again become a family of 200 people but with a small difference; many of my family members don’t know each other but I’m sure that whenever they meet, they will become a part of each individual’s family.

What about my friends? Growing in a family where more than 200 people live in a colony of a family, I never had a friend outside my family until after high school. That was the time when I started evolving, questioning everything and sometimes I used to do the bravest thing I could have done- to speak my mind. So, to me, I have a hard time defining friends but I consider them under my definition of family if they are fine with that!

I did said that I did the bravest thing when I spoke my mind- that was me at the bravest because that is when I gave permission to myself to let others know the “Real Me”. To my surprise, I was not tortured or bullied or thrown into a pit of disgrace, but I felt that I gave permission to that person too to do the same thing as me and they did, every time! How do I know that they spoke their mind? Because SHE NEVER LIES. That was the first time I realized that she was a part of me and that gave me a feeling of belonging. In that moment, I felt like I belong there, in that moment, in that talk, in that so trivial a talk, that I don’t even remember what it was or with whom it was with. I am glad I met her that day.

With the moments passing by, I have taken her for granted, giving legit reasons not to meet her. I have forgotten that I have such an amazing family just because of her, because she helped me talk to everyone that we all are now connected in a deeper level (even though we are far and haven’t talked in a while). I miss her and yet I don’t meet her. Isn’t that unfair to her? She deserves a lot yet she doesn’t get much and she never complaints! Think about it!

I am going to check “Her”; my emotions. Hope that you do it too.

Peace

I was following “Inktober” this October 2020, following as in sketching the prompts they gave. I thought and researched before putting my black ink on paper. It brought me pleasure but at the same time, thoughts started coming in my mind, thoughts related to the prompts. It felt like I started showing the inside of my mind to everyone and I was a bit afraid to do it. It was so because I was not sure how anyone will react to it, the way the people I know will react to me. I was afraid of the thought of people knowing how I think, maybe because I prefer silence over explanation. But…

I am always up for trying something new, so I took the challenge. While sketching, the good and the bad thoughts came in my head and it was difficult to choose a side. I was mostly inclined towards picking the bad thought, thinking that someone will understand it and it might help. I don’t know if it was the help I needed or the help I wanted to give, or maybe just to let people know that it is difficult to do it all alone and it will require help. For at least 10 days, I sketched daily and shared it with everyone. The not-needed endorphins were working on me, with each of the instagram’s likes. I wanted to share these so that others don’t feel this. I wanted to help others. I felt like I was stuck in a labyrinth made of those thoughts, the thoughts that came while sketching the prompts of inktober. It was burning inside me, it was red hot (you can imagine it like a feeling after eating hot chilli or being inside the fire). All I could think of was the world as you can see today. But I don’t remember exactly when I came to this world. It was so gradual that I didn’t even realize that I was pulled outside of my world and brought to this world. It is also hard to distinguish between these worlds as they look kind-of similar. I should have been more careful!

I also had another kind of thought by looking at the prompts; it was more of my memories. It gave me a warm feeling, as if I was lying on the grass under the shades of a tree at the top of a small mountain, listening to the birds and winds, looking up at the blue sky where I could see the moon opposite to the bright sun, eating fruits and talking to my loved ones about all the little things in my head, without any second thought. The more I thought about it, the more thoughts came, the more better I felt. Once again, I felt like I was stuck inside the labyrinth of my memories and I wanted to stay there for as long as I could. I remembered that this is the world where I live, mostly, but I have a strange feeling now. I feel like I got some kind of power to move from my world to this world. Even though I don’t want to go to the other world, it is pulling me and I must find a spell to stop myself from going there.

I was also thinking, what if I can move between these worlds using my will! I could then see the thing which everyone calls “Reality” and I could bring something from my world to make that “Reality” a better place for everyone; something which I call “Peace”.

Take care!

P.S.: I sketched for 18 days and then I shutted off my brain by playing “Overwatch”. Check out those sketches here.

#inktober2020

I had been in a small boat, rowing across the big lake. It was so beautiful and peaceful and I wanted to stay there. Once in a while, I would catch fish and that would be food. I was in the middle of the lake for so long that I had forgotten what it is like to be outside the lake. It was so big that I couldn’t even see any ground or any trees. And then it struck me that maybe it is an illusion, maybe I’m inside a big box and all the faces of the box are painted like the horizon. How would I confirm that; whether I had been living a life inside the box or the box never even existed?

I started rowing and it felt a bit better when I started rowing. I was using my whole body and mind to get me to an answer. I was sweating and my body was in pain because I was not used to this activity. Catching fish went easier than ever and I felt like I can be a pro at it, but how does it matter to me! Just because it kept me alive! Thinking about it made me feel pain in my heart. I knew I was not getting a heart attack but it was the realization that I never wanted to kill fish and eat it for my whole life. On top of that, there is always a certainty that however big the lake may be, it might go out of fish!

Days went by, weeks went by, years went by and I was still rowing the boat with a goal of finding either the end of the lake or the end of the box. After 3.5 years of my continuous search, I saw birds flying. It was sunset and they were going in the same direction as mine. I saw hope flying over me. I got excited, energetic and I paddled the boat with all my strength. I realized that I was used to the pain of paddling that I forgot it is pain, and I was living with it, happily.

Finally, I found the birds’s nest. It was a sight my eyes cherished and tears flowed for hours. I saw different colors around me, not only in the sky, but also on the water! Oh sorry! The water was behind me and I saw the color of the ground… It was covered with yellow, small gravels. I left my coat, office shoe, tie, pant, bag, lunch box and the boat behind, saying my farewell. After all, the boat helped me to take me to the end of The Lake.

So, there I was, running on the sand, opposite to the direction from where I came from, so happy to get an answer that there was no box. I’m not sure what exactly was the reason of my happiness- exploring that I found the land or that I was not inside the box this whole years. I think, staying happy is what mattered at that time. I smiled after years, screamed to check how loud I can be, ran to see how fast I am, ate coconuts and drank its water. I felt alive!

Soon, I was standing in front of water again, but this time it was not calm, not silent- it was shouting louder than me, running faster than me, I was standing face-to-face to The Sea. It was so good to meet someone new. We got acquainted fast enough, looked like we had so much in common, things which I never imagined that matters, the little-things! I could see something at the horizon, maybe a ship. Maybe I wanna check it out, I think I want to check it out and see if that’s a place for me. But for that I need to go there. But how! Swim? I doubt that…

I surfed. This is the first time I surfed. We always do something for the first time, right! I went in and was thrown out by the sea telling that I was not good enough. But I was happy that I was getting a feedback, at the very least! On top of that, the more I fell, the more I learnt- different ways to fell while surfing. It is exciting and I am gonna keep trying because I know I want it, I want it badly enough.

Peace!

I was shivering, I went cold and I was sweating. I had this feeling all of a sudden while I was reading a novel, a fiction. I couldn’t sleep that morning. I know it must be hard for you to accept that most people, in my world, usually sleep in the morning. I thought of it as a bad dream but it could not accept it because I could feel exactly the way it was described in that novel. I closed it and I never read that novel again. But it was not just that. I couldn’t use my electrophone to spend time to check out what going on with the world.

Once, I was swiping my electrophone and all of a sudden, an image with three words splashed and I was in pain for a few days after that. Because of that, I have a tattoo on my left leg, and it is visible whenever I go for a swim in my back-ocean. It actually looks nice but I never wanted a tattoo. And that’s the time I decided to throw away my over-smart-electrophone. And guess what, I got connected to a place, a world which looks exactly the same as was in my galleria, but all those things are right in front of me now. I don’t know which one to call the magic; to make the things real by reading it or to throw away the screen.

But that’s not all. I can still read the billboards and sometimes, they do even worse than a tattoo. Sometimes, I feel lonely because I don’t have many beings around me. Everyone I knew they come in a flash and go and everytime they come, I can see their hand going inside their pocket and everytime they vanish into thin air, I see their hand taking out something from their pocket.

A lot of things had happened just because I read. A meteor came very close to my planet and it was almost going to be extinguished but it didn’t happened because whatever I read becomes reality when I sleep and the next time I wake up, I have to face the consequences. My friend who knew my problem saw me reading this book and he made a slight modification in the book before I read it. Next day, we could see the asteroid in the sky when everyone was asleep in the daylight. It just passed by. From that time onwards, I totally trust his recommendations. It is really hard for me to live without reading and he knows that and that’s why I trust him. He sometimes gives me a page from some book with a few holes in the middle and few words hand-written and I believe that he read those pages and removed the words which would do something to me and added the words which were tore apart on the other side of the page. Sometimes, bad words affect the other side of the part which could have been the best part of the story. So, mind your words.

Don’t you wonder about the positive side of this and I would be lying if I tell you that I didn’t read motivational, inspirations, money-making stories to make myself prosperous. You can imagine me, right!

The part I am going to miss is, I won’t even read what I am writing you right now because I don’t want another tattoo on my left leg.

It was my favorite when I was young, it had a perfect rhythm with a frequent acceleration or deceleration in the speed but it was all gradual. I could see, oh sorry I could not see but I could hear, and can tell what will happen next whether it will be an upbeat or a downbeat. I know you must be thinking that I’m blind and that’s not completely true, if you hear my definition of the word blind (which I’m not telling here). So…

My world is completely colored in black and even my favorite color is black. I have heard about the different colors and its significance which really doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is the significance of a music. It doesn’t matter which instrument makes the sound, whether it is a clap or heartbeat or a slap or a hug, its all so beautiful and melodious. The first music I ever heard was the most beautiful and I can still remember that, it sounded like… “dhak dhak… dhak dhak…”. Oh! dear, it was so soothing, made me felt like I was alive and when I thought more about it I could feel the beats getting faster and coming to a point where it is the fastest. Another thing I thought is the relation between the heart and the smile. It is the perfect couple I had ever seen, heard (sorry again). As that sound gradually increases, the skin near the lips and cheeks stretches and I have heard that most humans love that.

With that, when I grew up, I started listening to music; pop, rock, sufi, instrumental and for years I was lost in those songs and music that I totally forgot about everything else. I found my life in music. At different times, I listened to different music and have taught music to my brother and in the middle of all these, I totally forgot about my first love, my first music.

I am now growing older, and I didn’t even realized that until I heard someone talking to my brother that I am getting older. I didn’t thought about it but somewhere in my heart I had a question. I was so lost in my musical world that I never had a chance to look within me and I don’t even regret it. But now, I thought to take rest… I took a break and asked a question to myself that which is your favorite music till now? I closed my eyes, which didn’t change anything for me, then I took a deep breath and the moment I exhaled I heard a music. Its been years I had listened to this music and I think now is the right time to think about it. The music of the heartbeat and there it was, with its couple, a long stretch of the lip and cheek skin.

Well there, I am “Bu” the blind dog of my human brother “Grey” who is a sound designer and he is the one who is writing these for me. Thanks to him!

Old yellow pages, binded using hands and glue, still shines there on the rusted shelves of that library which is sunk under the dust, far far away from the reach of any living being. But there are no treasures in this universe which is hidden, its just that it is not been discovered.

And that’s how I discovered it. I couldn’t describe it earlier, not because it was so magical and I was lost in its beauty (although that’s true), but because I was not programmed to speak/write a human language. Now you would be thinking that how am I telling it now? That’s the beauty you could expect to see soon.

I was designed to clean; the dust, spiders, mad dogs, shits, tyres but I was poorly designed as I was told when I was 260 years old. And I was designed poor because I was programmed to clean one thing but put all the trash in one area. Does it makes sense that I was cleaning! I had no idea, because I could not have ideas at that time. Don’t be surprise! And yes, I can have ideas too.

Wait! You seriously got in my trap and you followed me till here. I am sorry, I forget things while saying. Its like my hard drive is getting older these days and I just have to cleanup things and put it to trash once in a while. I mean, how long do you think is the life of a hard drive!

So, my eyes are really weak too and sometimes its kind of blurry and the most precious thing in my life, which is helping me to stay alive is, “The Dust”. To me, it’s the same as the diamond is for humans. I can track it down to the ground. It shines from a long distance and it feels like some angel kept the magic dust on the ground. It blinds me and for some time, everything around me looks golden or I should say yellow. I holded those yellow sparkling pages, and it looked like it was binded by old human hands because I never got binded by something like that. Finally, after a long travel from above the stratoshpere, where I live, I found the golden dust I was looking for.